How I spent my Holiday…

If you ever find yourself in the school system, be sure to pick a sit next to a Nigerian – why? Because Nigerian people love to take notes and they are proud to show it off. This is not any ordinary type of not taking. This note taking requires two pen colours preferable red and blue, a little ruler to underline the important points, a neat handwriting and a perfected system of crossing out the mistakes while leaving the notes clean and tidy.

Note taking in Nigerian people has been cultivated from primary school. A couple of times a term students are required to write the following essays – How I am going to spend my weekend, How I am going to spend my holiday and their sister essays How I spent my weekend and How I spent my holiday. In French class, it was always Mon meilleur ami , three words that struck fear into the heart of many. I could never write more than one sentence, Mon Meilleur ani et .

However in English, I let my imagination run wild. On Thursday English class, before the start of a long weekend, we are given the classwork - How I am going to spend my weekend.  

We had done this several times so, I had it down pat and I knew the recipe for a high grade. Start by staying “How I am going to spend my weekend” and list everything you are not going to do. I meticulously plan each day. On Friday, I would do all my home work and play with my brother and sisters. On Saturday I would help with the house work and assist with the cooking. On Sunday I’ll go to church, come back home and study, make sure my uniform is clean and prepare to come back to school. On Monday I will rest, do some reading and pack up for school. I end the essay by saying “this is how I plan on spending my weekend”. I was the same with “How I am going to spend and how I spent my Holiday” essays, I talked about trips abroad and visits to the British Museum and Buckingham Palace – they obviously let me in and I met the queen. At the end of primary school, I was awarded “best English student”, my mother was not impressed, but that is another story.

If I ever had to write a honest essay about how I spent my weekends as a child, it would go a bit like this.

How I spent my weekend. My weekend started on Thursday, when I got home I threw my bag in my bedroom, had a quick shower so no adult would yell at me and emptied the sand out of my shoe – one day I will have enough to build a sand castle at home. It’s Thursday so my tutor doesn’t come today, I have home work to do, but who cares? It is nearly 4 and I have a lot of TV to watch.

Friday, I wake up at around 9 or 10. I head straight for the TV and try to decide between Nintendo and Atari. The maids clean around me and my siblings, they curse at us in Yoruba. I pretend not to understand. My mother wakes up and yells at us, I cry myself to sleep. I wake up an hour before my tutor (whose name is Lesson Teacher) arrives, I rush through my assignment and finish just before his motorcycle pulls up. I do terribly at maths, he yells at me, I fall asleep during the lesson. He leaves, I watch more Tv.

On Saturday, I wake up at 5:30am, I shower and eat (two slices of bread and watery milk). I start watching TV. My mom wakes up to yell at us, I tell her I’ve showered and eaten. She is confused and yells at my older sister instead. Once the cartoons end, I play with my toys, fight with my brother and sister. My brother throws one of my life size dolls at my sister, he misses. I tell my sister Abba sucks and I put the midnight Stars vinyl on top of the ABBA one because I’m too lazy to change it properly.  We fight as  “Midas touch” is playing. I think to myself, I love this song, but I want to kick her arse. We start to think we are in wrestlemania, people intervene.

On Sunday, the closest I come to God, is when I thank him for making my mum sleep late so we miss church. I watch Wrestlemania till my uncle wakes up. He wants to watch Gillette world of sports, I should do my homework, but Bob Dylan and playing. I sit in the living room, and watch Tv till my eyes are tired, I stay up till 11 watching Oprah and fall asleep during the movie of the week – probably “What’s love got to do with it?” or the one about Michael Jackson and the Jackson 5.

Monday, I get my hair done and beg a house help to wash my uniform or else I’ll tell my mother she cursed me in Yoruba. She washes my uniform.

Tuesday, back to school. At breakfast – soggy NASCO cornflakes, I suddenly realise that I have homework to do. I do my maths and English assignment during the drive to school. My uncle is playing Dolly Parton – I love Dolly Parton. I finish my work we arrive at the school gates. I shove my books into my bag and walk through the school gates.

This is how I spent my weekend.